Madisucks.

Does anyone else think that maybe, just maybe, a porn entitled “A Night in Paris” is just too clever and too perfect, and Paris just had to do it?

I went to the doctor’s today, because I have to get a physical so I can get my license and also because I want to go on birth control and I have insurance now. Well, the doctor tells me “ok, but we’ll have to test you for chlamydia…it’s just a urine sample” Ok, awkward but that’s fine. “And have you had a pap smear? You’ll have to get a pap smear too, I can’t give you birth control without one.” FUCK NO. NO NO NO. I hoped this day would never come. I don’t want anyone besides my boyfriend seeing my lady parts, let alone shoving a metal clamp into my vagina and then scraping my cervix with a spatula. I googled it and apparently the examiner will also insert a finger into my asshole. GOD NO PLEASE. I’ll cry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this at all, but I really want birth control. I’m scheduled to have this torture done next week. :[ DO NOT WANT.

There’s this guy I work with named Dave. He looks like Mario, if Mario had a huge beer belly and had a terrible hacking smoker’s cough. He always talks to me and EVERYONE. I’m pretty sure no one wants to talk to him, but he talks like he is the coolest guy and he has the best stories and everything he says is interesting. For some reason he also starts every conversation of with “Yeah, so..” Like I asked him a question. I don’t know if he thinks he can trick people into thinking they were actually in the middle of a conversation… I don’t know. I just know that I will NEVER actually ask this guy a question, I’d probably kill him.

Looking for an apartment is so stressful and people are so stupid. I just want to know what rent is, where it is located, what utilities are covered, and if you will accept pets. You’d think that would be a reasonable amount of information to post. How could you post an ad for your apartment and not even say where it is located? Especially on craigslist, when you aren’t being charged per line or anything.
I found a great deal for a nice apartment close by, but it said no pets. So I called to ask if they would accept a dog for more rent per month. The lady fucking hung up on me. Now there’s a great apartment on craigslist, but it only says that it’s in Hazleton which is a fairly big place, and it doesn’t say anything about utilities. I hate calling people, and I’m going to have to call every damn person that could be a possibility. :\

Me and my boyfriend plan on having a military wedding, and I just read that it’s a Marine tradition to cut the first slice of the wedding cake with the groom’s saber. We’re going to cut our cake with a fucking sword! Bad ass.

I can secure all of my hair into a perfect bun with a single bobby pin.

“I wish they would have showed her boobs.”

It’s a little late, but whatever. He had more serious things to say about how great it was, but that’s not funny.

I absolutely hate when candles/air fresheners/toiletries have stupid ambiguous names that have nothing to do with a scent. I not sure what “Babbling Brook” should smell like, but I’m also pretty sure water doesn’t have a scent. Don’t name your candle “Fall Leaves” when you really mean “CINNAMON, SO MUCH CINNAMON YOU’LL PUKE”.

Febreeze seriously has an air freshener that is called “Rocky Springs & Cool”. How is the fact that the springs are rocky change the scent of the water? Do temperatures have a scent that I was unaware of? The worst part is, there is a picture of rocks on the can. ROCKS. “Oh, Susan, your house smells lovely. Is that…rocks, perhaps?” Someone needs to stop this madness.

-Best text ever. Love him.

I just want to make a living by having fun and making crafts. I don’t even really want a store, I just want to sit at home with a bunch of dogs and sell my goods online. You know, just live the good life.

—my boyfriend’s response to the discovery of the great narwhal.

I lived with my grandparents for a few months and the whole time I kept the fact that I was on facebook a secret, because I did not want to befriend my grandma and then my entire family. I had a good streak. And then…she found me. She obviously does not pick up on facebook etiquette or sarcasm/humor very well and it’s quite annoying. For instance, my grandmother thinks it’s totally acceptable to see one of my aunts’ statuses and then comment on it about something completely irrelevant.
Example: Aunt#1: Baking a pie, yumm!
            Grandma: Make sure you bring that movie back.
It annoys the shit out of me and if she ever does it to me I’ll probably delete her without remorse. She also posts pictures of my uncle with guilt trip captions like “my wonderful son who never calls his poor mother”.
And then this happened…

She posted some group that is trying to get another group taken off facebook. The group in question is called “Fuck Jesus Christ”. I commented explaining to her that there are people on the internet called “trolls” who get enjoyment from getting people angry and that she shouldn’t play into their games.
This was her slightly coherent response: “Well I was sent this from a good friend. I was shocked that it was even allowed. But paying attention to this form of disgrace is what I will do Madi I will not look the other way or brush it off. You are entitled to be agnostic…..but I have no way of knowing if it is a troll or a real kook.” WTF. OK. I have no idea why she got pissed and brought my lack of religion into this. AND THEN, she sent me a message that read “was that a tongue lashing?”. I thought she was asking if I was offended, but she wasn’t. SHE THOUGHT I WAS BEING MEAN TO HER.

I think I’ll stop talking to the elderly on the internet.

Little moments of cuteness between my wonderful dog and lovely boyfriend. :) They’re best friends and it makes me happy beyond belief.

A nice cup of joe.

Cleaning my ears. <3

The way you can communicate with anyone with a facial expression.

Giving great presents that people don’t specifically ask for but you know they will love.

Vintage typewriters and most old, mechanical, but pretty things.

Fresh sheets.

I work at Amazon. In a normal day I literally see thousands of books and movies, but sometimes I’m in the non-book area where there’s food and toys and other stuff that isn’t books or movies. You couldn’t imagine the amount of vibrators and lube people buy. SO MANY. One time, I had a pallet of boxes full of vibrators called “Golden Flamenco”.  And you’d think after all this it would stop being silly, well, you’d be wrong.
Why do people buy cereal on the internet? It’s not like an occasional box, I see it all damn day, every day. Ok, maybe you can’t find some super special organic flakes o’ shit…fine. Buy it online. Cheerios? Go to hell. YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE TO BUY MILK ANYWAY.