90% of my friends have moms who ~jokingly~ called them “thunder thighs” in junior high, or told them not to eat carbs or they’d get fat, or some other horseshit.
stop. stop it. no.
this is coming from someone whose mother was 130lbs and went on 30-day long juice fasts, to lose weight as fast as possible because she thought she was obese. and then trying to put me (age 12) on one, before my father intervened.
SO LET’S NOT.
My parents were fine, but my grandparents are/were horrible. My grandma gave me a spanx type top for Christmas when I was like 13. I wasn’t skinny and I never have been, but I certainly wasn’t fat. She also sent my mom a BOX of used diet cook books out of the blue once. My mom, who struggled with her weight her entire life and eventually got a gastric bypass… And once when I was maybe 12, I was at my grandparents’ house and I took a mini brownie from a container in the kitchen and my grandpa told me I didn’t want to “grow up to be fat like my mom”. COOOL. This same grandpa was also a horrible alcoholic and literally drank himself to death. How about you keep your fucking health suggestions to yourself.
Dave and Buster’s better live up to my slightly above average expectations.
You know that commercial for some anti depressant where depression is represented by a mangy-looking bathrobe? How accurate.
Coconut and red curry everything please.
Ugh. If you are a person that gets drunk after two glasses of wine (me) don’t ever drink with three Marines. It is noon and I am still drunk.
- Brad: Do you know what today is?
- Me: Military Spouse Appreciation Day?
- Brad: Yeah, how did you know?
- Me: I'm on the internet.
- Brad: Well, are you sad I didn't get you something?
- Me: Pfft yeah, for what? Being your wife?
- Brad: Haha, well I got you some words of encouragement- I love and appreciate you and I don't plan on divorcing you anytime soon.
I am not really a makeup person (I just wear concealer, light foundation, mascara, and maybe tinted lip balms and that is the extent of my effort) but today, I am a slightly changed woman.
- “oh, no, i was going to listen to that, but then i just… carried on living my life.”
- “i came here to murder you.”
- “you should’ve seen yourself at dinner. oh, i’m aldous snow! booshit booshit booshit booshit! no, no drinks for me, thanks! booshit booshit booshit.”
- “the masturbating dog killer’s at it again! he’ll kill the owners, but at least the dogs are happy.”
- “i’d always leave my cereal boxes open and the cereal would get stale. and then one day i came home and she had this waiting for me, because it keeps my cereal fresh. and now i have the freshest cereal.”
- “oh, the weather outside is weather…”
- “i don’t cry, i’m not a baby.” “really? because you look like a gigantic baby. i’m sorry, i didn’t mean that at all”
- “take my eyes, but not the shirt!”
- “i like her hair. i wonder if the carpet matches her pubes”
- “if you fall straight down, you’d probably hit a rock and kill yourself.” “totally!”
- “i’m on sex and the city. what’s up miranda? oh, i’m samantha. i have sex with everyone!”
- “hey there, you little sex object”
- “he was either stabbed in the aorta… or it was his time of the month”
- *chanting sounds* “they’re not native americans, brian” “i’m doing the luau” “it’s called the hula” “no, the luau”
- “pipyopi, you’ve got some pain behind those eyes. there’s only one cure for that” “what’s that?” “weed, you got any?” “no.” “oh. well then let’s go surfing!”
I decided the other day that this might be my favorite movie. It’s one of very few movies I can just watch over and over.
I thought I purchased hint of lime tostitos, but apparently I got ~limited time only~ lime and salt thins. Ok, tostitos. I believe you. Listen, you don’t have to go changing things up to keep me coming back for more. I’ll always love you, just the way you are…